


Revelations

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-13 05:38:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9108865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: After trying unsuccessfully to comfort a distraught Barbara, Tommy is hit with a sudden moment of clarity.  What will he do?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended.

I had been looking for Barbara for well over half an hour, and my frustration was increasing with every passing second. She had been the one who had said that we had to put in an appearance at Winston’s engagement party; that we would appear rude if we didn’t, but then she had up and disappeared not fifteen minutes after we had arrived.

I knew that I was behaving petulantly but if she couldn’t be bothered with me then I might as well go home. There was a very expensive single malt waiting for me, at least that wouldn’t abandon me! I pulled on my coat and made my way out to my car.

It was as I approached the driver’s side of the Bristol that I saw someone crouched by the front wheel. “What are you doing?” The person didn’t move, so I walked up to them and put my hand on their shoulder. “I asked you, what are you… Barbara?”

She got to her feet and, shaking off my hand, moved away from me, scrubbing at her eyes with her hands.

“What’s going on Barbara? Why are you out here crying?”

“I’m fine Sir, go back in and have a drink with Winston and his fiancée.”

I approached her and put my arm around her shoulder, trying to guide her head into my chest as I had done outside the pub in Suffolk all those years previously. She fought against me, but I didn’t yield. Something was wrong, and I wasn’t leaving her alone.

“You don’t have to hide from me Barbara, and I can see that there is something wrong.”

“It’s nothing Sir, honestly.”

I cradled her face in my hands, wiping away her tears with my thumbs. “I’m not an idiot Barbara, I can see that you are upset, and in all the time I have known you I have never seen you get upset because of nothing. Now, we can either discuss this here, or I can take you home and we can discuss it there. The choice is yours, but we will discuss it.”

“Can we go back to yours?”

“If that’s where you want to go.”

“It is.”

Barbara didn’t say a word as we drove to Belgravia, but at least she had stopped crying. As we pulled up outside my house in Eaton Terrace, I reached across and squeezed her hand reassuringly. She gave me a watery smile and then got out of the car. Once indoors, we made our way to the lounge. I handed her a beer and then sat opposite her.

“So?”

She took a mouthful and then played with the bottle, worrying at the label with nimble fingers. “I told you in the car park that it was nothing.”

“And I told you that I’m not an idiot.”

She sighed deeply, “why is it so important to you?”

“Is it such a revelation to you that I care about you? Of course it is important to me; you’re important to me Barbara.”

She took another mouthful of beer, “I know, and I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. Over the years that you and I have been together I thought that we had a friendship, a closeness, something that mattered to both of us.”

“We do!”

“Then why do you still seem to feel that you have to cope with everything alone; that being upset is something you should hide? You’ve never made me feel weak if I show emotion, in fact you told me that it made me human; why can’t you see that the same applies to you?”

“Sometimes it isn’t that easy.”

“Explain it to me.”

Barbara rose and walked to the window, “I didn’t want to go to the party. I convinced you to go because I couldn’t face it on my own, but when I got there it was still too much.”

I went and stood behind her, not touching her but offering quiet support.

“I am happy for Winston, I really am, but seeing him so content and in love, it hit home.”

“What did?”

She spun around and faced me, the tears streaming down her face again.

“That I’m never going to have that. I’m never going to have someone look at me the way Winston looks at Jenny.”

“You don’t know that Barbara.”

“I do! I’m in love with someone who can never and will never love me, and I always will be.”

I stared into her tear-filled eyes and was struck by the storm of emotion that I saw there. 

“Have you ever told this man how you feel about him?”

She cast her gaze to the floor. “No. Look, it’s getting late, I should go.”

“You can stay, the spare room is made up.”

“Thanks, but I can’t. I’ll see you on Monday.”

Before I could stop her, she snatched up her coat and bag and hurried out of the front door. As it slammed shut I thought about running after her, but decided against it. Perhaps she needed some time alone.

I sat back down in my armchair and thought about what Barbara had said. It surprised me that she could be in love with someone and for me not to know anything about it. I thought back to the night that I had visited her at her flat. I was supposed to be spending the night with Christine Miller, but I had known that it was the wrong thing to do. I had asked Barbara then how she managed to live alone. Her response, that although she didn’t have a relationship, she had found something else to get up in the morning for had touched me, and I had meant it when I told her that I had found something too. Now it turned out that she was in unrequited love with someone.

Realisation hit me like a ton of bricks. Barbara had been talking about me. God, how could I have been so stupid? I ran my fingers through my hair. What the hell should I do with this information? If I went after her now, if I told her that I had worked out that it was me that she was talking about, how would she respond? I didn’t even know how I felt about her. I mean I cared about her; she was my friend, and I loved her dearly because of that, but was I in love with her? I didn’t know. I couldn’t imagine my life without her, but I couldn’t imagine my life without my family, however fractured our relationship was. Why did life have to be so confusing?

There was nothing that I could do tonight, I needed to let Barbara calm down. I would call her in the morning, things would be clearer then. Decision made, I headed for bed.


	2. Chapter 2

Morning crept slowly into my room. I hadn’t slept. My mind had been working overtime, which had ensured that every time I closed my eyes I was back in Tommy’s lounge and making a complete fool of myself all over again. Because of that, my night had been filled with clock watching, anger, frustration, and plenty of regret.

I wished that I had never agreed to go to Winston and Jenny’s party; and I certainly wished that I had left well alone as far as convincing Tommy to go with me was concerned. My feelings for him had increased since the Thompson case, but I had done my best to hide them as I knew I wasn’t what he needed in a romantic partner. That plan had worked well, up until last night when my emotions had got the better of me; now everything was a mess, and I wasn’t sure if I could face him again.

It was nine am when Tommy first tried to make contact; my phone alerting me that I had received a text message from him. I didn’t open it, not wanting the read receipt he would receive to alert him to the fact that I was awake. Lying in bed staring at the ceiling was achieving nothing so I decided to get up, get ready and try to face the day.

By the time I came out of the shower there were two missed calls and one voicemail waiting for me. Ignoring them, as I had done with the text, I turned off the phone and tossed it into my bedside cabinet drawer before getting dressed. I had a feeling that Tommy’s next move would be to turn up on my doorstep, and my mind was no clearer now than it had been when I had run out on him the night before. I needed to keep some distance between us until I figured things out. Picking up my coat and bag, I headed out to the car.

I drove for hours, not really having a destination in mind but knowing that I couldn’t go home. I was so angry, but only with myself. In one night I had managed to destroy the most important relationship I had ever had, and I couldn’t see any way back. I didn’t want to speak to Tommy, sure that he would have worked out that I had meant him when I had said that I was in love with someone and always would be. A small nagging voice in the back of my head kept telling me that I was behaving immaturely, that I should speak to Tommy, be honest with him, and sort things out in an adult and responsible manner; I chose to ignore that voice, my embarrassment winning out over rationality.

I found myself at the caravan park that Tommy and I had stayed at during the Shand case. We had got on well there, and I smiled at the memories being there brought to the forefront of my mind. Things had been much simpler then, Tommy was reunited with Helen so I knew exactly where I stood and what the relationship between us was, even though I was already in love with him then. I had managed to keep a lid on things, but now the lid was off and I couldn’t see any way of repackaging my feelings and emotions. It wasn’t as if I could erase Tommy’s memories of what I had said and how I had behaved, however much that idea appealed.

Whether it was fate conspiring against me or just coincidence I didn’t know, but the caravan available was the one that Tommy and I had shared. As I entered it, more memories crowded in. I locked the door behind me and then made my way to the bedroom. I was hungry, but the more pressing need as far as I was concerned was my exhaustion; the lack of sleep and the long drive had worn me out completely. Falling onto the bed fully dressed, I closed my eyes. Ten minutes later I was fast asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

I spent most of the night going over and over Barbara’s behaviour in my mind, and the more I thought about things the more became convinced that she had been referring to me when she had told me about the person she was in love with. I still hadn’t come to any firm conclusion in regard of my feelings for her, but I had meant it when I had told her that I cared and that she was important to me.

Once it was what I considered to be a reasonable hour I had texted and called Barbara, but had had no response. It was just like her to retreat from me, but I was sure that once we talked we would be able to sort everything out.

I stood on her doorstep and rang her bell. Her car wasn’t parked in its usual spot, but as I couldn’t remember whether she had driven to work or not yesterday that didn’t necessarily mean anything. I waited five minutes before trying her bell again. After another five minutes I tried her landline, which just rang and rang before the answerphone kicked in. That answered my question about her being home, unless she was hiding indoors and screening her calls. As I walked back to my car I tried her mobile again; this time it went straight to voicemail. Now I started to become concerned; if I couldn’t get hold of her then there was no way that we would be able to resolve things before we saw each other at work. I had no desire to discuss our personal business in the office.

I sat in the car and contemplated my next move. Barbara had no family, she also didn’t have many friends besides me. There was Winston, but I couldn’t see her contacting him the morning after his party, and there was Stuart Lafferty, the Met pathologist, but she usually met up with him after work for a drink. I tried to think of anyone else she might have reached out to; Fiona Knight was a possibility, and unlikely one, but a possibility none the less; I would call her later. Hadiyyah and Azhar had moved overseas which ruled them out, and exhausted my list of possible people Barbara might have turned to. I now bitterly regretted not going after her when she had run from my house.

~*~

I woke in the early hours to find that sleep had done nothing to improve my temper. I was still livid with myself. Livid for going to the party, livid for letting Tommy see me upset, livid for lowering my guard and telling him that I was in love with him, even if I hadn’t said those exact words.

I was achieving nothing by staying here. Distance didn’t change the fact that Tommy and I were going to have to talk, a talk that would probably degenerate into a shouting match, but something that had to happen whatever the outcome. Putting it off was only prolonging the pain.

I left the caravan and headed back towards my car. I had a lot of thinking to do, and the drive home would be the perfect opportunity to do it.

~*~

Fiona said she hadn’t heard from Barbara and I believed her. As the day wore on with no word my concern grew. I had handled the situation badly, if anything my attempts to help had only made matters worse. I didn’t want to lose Barbara’s friendship. She had been there for me on so many occasions; picking me up when I couldn’t see a way to carry on and knocking me down when I got too above myself, too pompous. I relied on her in so many ways, perhaps selfishly.

By the next morning I had progressed from concerned to frantic. While I had expected the silent treatment from her for a couple of hours, this behaviour was totally out of character for Barbara, and I began to worry that something had happened to her, even though I knew I was listed as her next-of-kin, and would have been notified if it had. I was just about to start ringing round the hospitals when my doorbell rang. I hurried down the hallway and flung open the front door.

“Hi Sir, can I come in?”


	4. Chapter 4

Tommy looked at me as if he hadn’t seen me for years instead of just twenty-four hours. He put his arm around me and hugged me close.

“Oh, thank God! I’ve been so worried about you Barbara, where have you been?”

I allowed him to hug me for a few moments longer than I normally would, and then gently extricated myself from his embrace. A hurt expression momentarily flashed across his face, but he quickly composed himself and stood back to let me enter his house, closing the door behind me.

“I went to the caravan, you remember, the one we stayed in during the Shand case.”

“You could have let me know, I’ve been trying to get hold of you since yesterday morning.”

“That would have defeated the object of me going there Sir.” By now Tommy had herded me towards the kitchen. I took a seat at his table and he sat opposite me.

“I know I handled things badly Barbara, and I am really sorry if I offended or upset you, but that doesn’t explain why are you being so cold towards me?”

I reached across the table and squeezed his hand, “I’m not being cold Sir, I’m just being honest. I needed some time by myself to think, to work through things.”

“And did you?”

“I think so.”

Tommy must have read something in my expression because he pulled his hand from mine, stood, walked over to the kettle, and started to busy himself making coffee. I went over to him and took the mugs from his hands. “We need to talk Sir.”

Tommy sighed and then looked at me, “I know, so talk.”

I leant against the worktop, “When I told you that I was in love with someone and always would be, I was talking about you, and I think you knew that, didn’t you?”

“Not at the time, but I worked it out after you left.”

“I know that you don’t love me, or at least not in the way I love you, and that’s okay. The problem is, now you know, well I don’t think that things can be the same between us anymore.”

“I do love you.”

I raised my hand to silence him, “you’re not in love with me and as I said, that’s okay. However, now that you know how I feel about you, we can’t work together anymore, it would be too awkward for both of us.”

“No, it wouldn’t, it doesn’t change anything. You say that you are in love with me, and that you always will be, and I don’t think that this is a new thing for you. If you have been in love with me while we have been working together then why does me knowing change things?”

“It changes things for me.”

“It doesn’t have to.”

“It does.”

Tommy moved away from me and thumped his fist down on the worktop. “I refuse to accept that. We are best friends, we work well together, we enjoy spending time together. There is no earthly reason why me knowing that you are in love with me has to change any of that.”

I stepped towards him but he backed away.

“I will always be your friend Tommy, and if you ever need me I will be there for you in a heartbeat, but we can’t continue to work together. I don’t want you looking at me, second guessing what I say or how I act. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me, wondering if I am misreading a word or a gesture. You are the most wonderful and caring man who has changed my life, and me, for the better, how could I not be in love with you?”

“You’ve got this all worked out, haven’t you?”

“I’m not just doing this for me, I’m doing this for both of us.”

“You’re not. Do you know who you remind me of right now? Helen. She said all the right things when she walked out on me after our baby died, telling me that it was the best thing for both of us, when really it was all about her; her wants, her needs, I was nothing but an afterthought. It’s the same with you.”

“You’re wrong Sir.”

“I’m not, you are. Well, if you are going to go I suggest you just get on with it. You know where the door is.” 

Tommy turned away from me and left the room. I headed to the front door. As I closed it behind me I looked up towards his bedroom window, tears rolling down my face. “I’m so sorry Tommy,” I whispered, before running to my car and driving away.


	5. Chapter 5

I heard the front door slam, and let out a breath I hadn’t realised I was holding. I had behaved like a complete bastard, losing my temper and lashing out as I always did when situations were beyond my control, and I had seen the hurt on Barbara’s face when I had compared her to Helen, but I had meant every word. The way she was treating me most definitely carried echoes of the past, but not having Barbara in my life scared me far more than losing Helen ever had. The truth of that shocked me. 

“You’re a bloody fool Thomas Lynley!”

I snatched up my keys and hurried to my car. I had to find Barbara and try to put things right.

The drive had taken longer than it usually did. I parked the car haphazardly in the first available space, dashed to her front door and banged on it loudly.

“Barbara, it’s me, Tommy. Can we talk?”

“We’ve nothing left to say to each other Sir.”

I could hear tears in her voice, and I hated myself for causing them.

“We do, please let me in.”

“I’m not up to another argument Sir, you’ve made your feelings perfectly clear.”

I had known that Barbara wouldn’t make things easy, but I wasn’t going to give up.

“I was rude and aggressive, you didn’t deserve that, and I’m sorry for lashing out at you, I was wrong.”

“I accept your apology, but I’d like you to leave.”

“Please Barbara, I need to see you.”

The door swung open and Barbara appeared in front of me, her face tearstained and pale.

“Oh Barbara, I am so sorry.” I tried to hug her but she backed away, I was disappointed but not surprised.

“So you said Sir. Well, you’ve seen me now, you can go.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’ve been an idiot Barbara.”

A faint smile ghosted across her face. “No change there then. I guess you’d better come in, I can’t afford to heat the whole of Chalk Farm.”

I smiled at her gratefully and followed her into the flat.

“I really am sorry that I hurt you Barbara.”

She shrugged, “what’s done is done.”

I moved to stand beside her, and was relieved that this time she didn’t move away from me.

“I know you won’t believe me, and I won’t blame you if you don’t, but as soon as you left I realised that I had lied to you, and to myself. When Helen walked out on me it hurt, but when I heard you leave, well that was when I knew.”

“You’re not making sense Sir; how did you lie and what did you know?”

“That I am in love with you, I have been for years.”

“You aren't, you just don’t want to be alone.”

“You are correct, I don’t want to be alone, but that isn’t the reason I’m here. I compared your behaviour to Helen’s, and that was when it struck me, the thought of not seeing you, of not spending time with you, of not being able to go to the pub with you for a pint and a laugh, it terrified me. I think about you all the time; I just didn’t realise that it was love until you walked away.”

"We’re best friends, and you depend on me, but you aren’t in love with me. You don’t have to worry, I told you earlier that I would be there for you if you needed me.” 

“Stop it Barbara! I don’t want you to just be your friend. I want everything with you, the good times, the bad. I want to laugh with you, cry with you, argue with you. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you.”

Barbara frowned and then sat down heavily on her couch. I sat next to her and took her hand.

“I understand that this has come as a huge shock to you, if I am honest it has come as a huge shock to me too, but I promise I am telling you the truth. I am in love with you Barbara. I’m sorry that it took me so long to realise, and I am also sorry that I have put you through so much pain. I accept that this is going to take time; you have no reason to trust me, but please, give this, give us, a chance.”


	6. Chapter 6

I felt as if I were being crushed under a maelstrom of conflicting emotions. Tommy was here, holding my hand, and saying all the words that I had dreamed of hearing him say. I should be ecstatic; this was everything I had always wanted, and yet…

I pulled my hand free and moved away from him.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this, it’s too much.”

Tommy reached for me again, and again I moved away.

“Don’t shut me out Barbara; between us, we can make this work.”

“Do you know how long I have yearned to hear you say that you love me? How long I have wanted you to see me as a person, a woman, and not just good old Barbara Havers your sergeant? Not just a port in a storm or a place of safety when life gets too tough or everyone turns against you. That’s what you love, Sergeant Havers who takes all the crap that you throw at her and yet keeps coming back for more, not Barbara, who cries herself to sleep sometimes because she can never see an end to all this emptiness. You can’t just waltz in here, announce that you are in love with me and expect me to fall at your feet in gratitude. This is you panicking, feeling out of control. I need more than that Sir, much more.”

“But I’m in love with you.”

“You’re in love with me? Okay, so maybe you are today, but what happens when another Deborah or Helen or Christine or Julia crosses your path? Someone with manners and grace, who is poised and polished and went to finishing school? Who knows how to dress, what to say, and will never embarrass you or let you down; what happens to me then? What happens when you wake up one morning, look at me and wonder what the hell you were thinking? You’re searching for your happily ever after in the wrong place Sir; whatever you are looking for, it isn’t me.”

As I finished my speech I cast my eyes to the floor. Tommy was looking at me with such longing that I wanted to believe him, but I knew that I had to be strong; to give in to my feelings would be disastrous for both of us.

“Barbara; look at me.”

His voice was hypnotic and, despite my best intentions, I lifted my gaze to his face.

“In all the years we have worked together, in all the years that we have been friends, never once have we let the other down. We may fight and argue, but we always come back to each other. Yes, you are my port in a storm, but I am yours. I love you Barbara. I love your passion, your temper, your courage, your compassion, your individuality. I married the perfect wife; Helen. She was everything I had been brought up to believe that I needed, and it was the biggest mistake I ever made. I don’t need a trophy wife, I need you! Sod small talk and knowing the correct way to eat soup, I want the person who knows that I have feet of clay and still fights my corner; I want the person who isn’t afraid to laugh at me when I behave like the idiot I admit I can be; and that person is you Barbara, and it always has been, I was just too stupid to see it.”

Tommy put his arms around me and hugged me tightly against his chest. This time I reciprocated. He sighed and then rested his chin on the top of my head.

“I can’t believe this is happening.”

“It is, it really is. We don’t have to rush this Barbara. We can take things however fast or slow you feel comfortable with, one step at a time. All I ask is that you keep moving forward with me.”

“You’re sure that this… that I’m what you want?”

“More sure than I’ve ever been about anything before. I don’t know what more I can say or do to prove it to you; I love you Barbara Havers.”

“If I ever make you unhappy…”

“You don’t, and you won’t.”

“But if I do…”

Tommy silenced my protestations with a kiss. His lips were soft and warm against mine, breaking through the last of my defences and wiping all coherent thought from my mind.

When we broke for air he smiled tenderly at me. “See, no plagues, no pestilence, no sky falling in or rain of fire.”

I grinned cheekily at him, “perhaps an earthquake, because I definitely felt the earth move.”

His eyes sparkled with mirth, “don’t ever change Barbara.”


End file.
